So, this machine runs on windows 95. The reaction worked perfectly, so I attempt to print my data. The printer destination is responding, but the actual printer is broken. No big deal, I will reroute the print job to an available, working printer. Luckily, a nearby printer is already installed into this computer, I.P. address and all. I try. Nothing. Apparently the computer can't find the working printer.
This confirmed earlier suspicions that it was in fact, Monday.
Ok, this will be difficult then. I turn on the first, broken printer, in hope that some quantum effect may make it work. It doesn't. No need to panic, I will go to the neighboring lab (~50 paces), and recover the I.P. of one of their printers on the network. I do this, switch the I.P. of an existing printer setup on the windows 95 machine, and nothing connects. It's time to establish a new printer from scratch. The computer can send jobs to the broken-down printer, so it should be able to find other printers on the network. But it doesn't. It can get on the internet, send print jobs to the one broken down printer across the building, but it can't detect any other printers in the building. Kewl.
I repeat the above attempts two times over, for a lack of an appropriate melt-down plan. I then decide it would be clever to email the image to MY computer, which has repeatedly proven itself willing and able in the task of printing (it's a Mac). Surely, adobe photoshop can handle ".img" files... ".img", that sounds normal/common. Nope. Adobe and all my other imaging programs do not recognize ".img".
Well, I reason that neighboring labs are likely to have a similar machine with the software running on it, so that I can open my file and print from there. Dock 15 minutes off the clock for running around the floor, looking for similar-looking machines and computers, and interrupting other people's work to find out, ultimately, there is no other machine like this on our floor.
Here's where the desperation sets in. Surely, I can install the software on another PC, open my document from email, and print from that computer to another printer. Now where could those CDs be... I find them, in the pre-reincarnated form of three separate, 3.5" floppy installation disks.
A new hope? 3.5 floppys from before mp3s existed.I scramble to find a PC in the lab with a working floppy drive. I begin installation. It works! But first I have to "reboot" the computer. Who uses that term anymore? 1989 uses that term, that's who. Anyway, upon double-clicking the program, I get an error: "Packard Instant Imager can only run in 256 color mode". Ok. Ok. We'll switch it. Not so fast, Optimistic Opie, PCs made after 1990 don't exactly come bundled with the 256 color mode option.
Time for last ditch approaches (It's now been ~an hour). I consult my old friend, the Internets. 3rd Google hit after keywords "Packard Instant Imager has ruined my life" yields a curious email inquiry page, kind of like a blog, kind of like a FAQ message board. Apparently, someone else's life was ruined in 2005, and s/he decided to make a plug-in for a freeware java image viewer, Image J.
At this point, I wonder, what are the chances? The chances that this program would work must be infinitely smaller than the chances that I am setting myself up for maximum disappointment and frustration. To my surprise, Image J is not PC-only, and installs correctly, and the ".img" image appears on my personal computer. I am so close to the ultimate disappointment, aren't I? When I attempt to print at 100% (actual) size, I get an image that is about 50%.
Ok, that's easy enough to fix, I'll just compare this to an old picture printed directly from the machine on the right printer. The only problem is, I don't keep that data. Therefore, I fish for old printouts in the biohazard waste. Success (!) (?), I find an old print-out, adjust the size by comparing the real print size to the one my computer prints with a RULER. No, that's not an acronym for a computer program, it's an actual ruler. The kind pilgrims used. This gives me a factor for which to increase the actual size. Somehow, this doesn't work. So I make estimated guesses on 5 more prints. The kind of estimated guesses pre-historic humans made.
I finally succeeded in printing the right size (plus or minus 2 pixels), and everything worked. A step that normally takes 30 seconds took ~ 1 hour. Therefore, Monday slows research down 120-fold.
